Dr. Becky Kennedy — Protocols for Excellent Parenting & Improving Relationships of All Kinds
Dr. Becky Kennedy — Protocols for Excellent Parenting & Improving Relationships of All Kinds -
by: Huberman Lab url: https://share.snipd.com/episode/7663b576-0c6d-4d4c-b359-de17240b6105
Highlights
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Episode AI notes
- Parents have two essential jobs: setting boundaries is crucial for maintaining safety and well-being in parent-child relationships.
- Behavior stems from lack of skills to manage feelings, addressing root causes rather than punishing behaviors is essential.
- Key family decisions should involve children while maintaining parent authority to create a balanced approach.
- Allowing kids’ feelings to dictate decisions can hinder learning important life lessons.
- Trauma can alter the brain and nervous system, leading to maladaptive responses.
- Divine rule influences child development, impacting beliefs, values, and behaviors.
- Self-affirming mantras like ‘I’m a good parent having a hard time’ promote self-compassion in difficult parenting moments.
- Children need to develop skills to handle disappointment and surprise maturely.
- Intense love in children is linked to vulnerability and sensitivity to shame.
- Deeply feeling kids may push away when they need support the most.
- Modern world sensory overload influences deeply feeling kids group.
- Children need a trusted adult to help process experiences.
- Instant gratification society challenges parents to build children’s tolerance levels through introducing frustration.
- Embracing limbic friction in challenging experiences leads to personal growth.
- Setting boundaries and validating feelings are crucial in parenting and self-relationships.
- Noticing rather than praising allows children to feel seen and not controlled.
- Fostering inquiry and connection with open-ended questions promotes trust and connection.
- Adolescence brings shifts in parent-child dynamics; parents should acknowledge and normalize emotional changes.
- Acknowledge misbehavior without condoning it to reinforce empathy and connection with children.
- Maintaining individuality in parenthood is essential to prevent feeling consumed by the caregiver role.
- Empowering others with decision-making helps build resilience in challenging moments.
- Healthy entitlement involves pursuing personal desires without fear of frustration.
- Transforming frustration into expectation can avoid deep intolerance and fear of frustration in adulthood. (Time 0:00:00)
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Episode AI notes
- Parents have two essential jobs: setting boundaries is crucial for maintaining safety and well-being in parent-child relationships.
- Behavior stems from lack of skills to manage feelings, addressing root causes rather than punishing behaviors is essential.
- Key family decisions should involve children while maintaining parent authority to create a balanced approach.
- Allowing kids’ feelings to dictate decisions can hinder learning important life lessons.
- Trauma can alter the brain and nervous system, leading to maladaptive responses.
- Divine rule influences child development, impacting beliefs, values, and behaviors.
- Self-affirming mantras like ‘I’m a good parent having a hard time’ promote self-compassion in difficult parenting moments.
- Children need to develop skills to handle disappointment and surprise maturely.
- Intense love in children is linked to vulnerability and sensitivity to shame.
- Deeply feeling kids may push away when they need support the most.
- Modern world sensory overload influences deeply feeling kids group.
- Children need a trusted adult to help process experiences.
- Instant gratification society challenges parents to build children’s tolerance levels through introducing frustration.
- Embracing limbic friction in challenging experiences leads to personal growth.
- Setting boundaries and validating feelings are crucial in parenting and self-relationships.
- Noticing rather than praising allows children to feel seen and not controlled.
- Fostering inquiry and connection with open-ended questions promotes trust and connection.
- Adolescence brings shifts in parent-child dynamics; parents should acknowledge and normalize emotional changes.
- Acknowledge misbehavior without condoning it to reinforce empathy and connection with children.
- Maintaining individuality in parenthood is essential to prevent feeling consumed by the caregiver role.
- Empowering others with decision-making helps build resilience in challenging moments.
- Healthy entitlement involves pursuing personal desires without fear of frustration.
- Transforming frustration into expectation can avoid deep intolerance and fear of frustration in adulthood. (Time 0:00:00)
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The Two Jobs of Parents and the Importance of Boundaries Summary: Parents have two essential jobs, one of which is setting boundaries. Boundaries are commitments we make that do not require the other person to act, preserving our values and needs. Establishing boundaries in a parent-child relationship is crucial for maintaining safety and ensuring children’s well-being.
Transcript: Speaker 1 What is your job with your kid? Or when your kid is having a tantrum or they hit or they’re rude or they lie to your face or anything like, what is your job in that moment? Most people, very well intentioned, educated people who would never ever take a job if they didn’t have a job description. They look at me, they’re like, I have no idea. So how can we do it well? And then we then perform it to a place to get to the outcomes we want if you don’t have the foundation of what your job is. And to me, I thought a lot about it. I think parents actually have two jobs and it relates to sturdiness. So you’ll connect it where one of our jobs is boundaries. And to me, boundaries are things we tell people we will do and they require the other person to do nothing. And that’s like really important because a lot of times we think we’re setting a boundary when actually we’re making a decision. When actually we’re making a request. And boundaries keep us connected to ourselves. They represent our values and our wants and our needs. And in a parent-child relationship, they also keep our kids safe. If I just know in a simple way, like my kids watch enough TV today and they really have to get to bed and I know that. Like I don’t want them to stay up late, I kind of know what my family needs. I have to set a boundary. (Time 0:10:57)
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1min Snip (Time 0:26:24)
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Why Do Good People Do Bad Things? Summary: People, whether adults or kids, who are good inside often end up doing annoying or bad things due to a lack of skills to manage their feelings. Children are born with emotions but lack the necessary skills to handle them effectively, leading to behaviors that may be perceived as bad or annoying.
Transcript: Speaker 1 If they’re good inside, why do they do so many annoying things? Like all the time. But that gave me a gap. And I feel like that is very exciting to have a gap. Like, why do people who are good inside do such bad things, right? Adults or kids? And to me, right? Kids are born with all the feelings and none of the skills to manage those feelings. (Time 0:26:46)
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Understanding Bad Behaviors and Lack of Skill Summary: Bad behaviors often stem from feelings or urges that individuals lack the skill to manage or access to manage in that moment. Consequently, rather than addressing the root cause, individuals end up punishing the behavior itself. This perspective highlights that the behavior is merely an indication of the absence of a specific skill. It is akin to attempting to teach a child to swim by punishing them for not being able to swim.
Transcript: Speaker 1 I think that’s what bad behaviors are. Feelings or urges or something without a skill to manage them or without access to the skill, maybe in that moment, either way. And then we end up punishing behavior. But the behavior was just a sign of the lack of skill. So I can’t imagine anyone thinking I could teach my kid to swim by punishing them for not swimming. (Time 0:27:13)
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Parenting and Setting Boundaries for Key Family Decisions Summary: In key family decisions, it is essential for parents to involve their children, recognizing their experiences without letting them dictate the final decision. Setting boundaries involves validating the child’s feelings while also maintaining the parent’s authority in making decisions, creating a balance where neither side dictates the other.
Transcript: Speaker 1 I am the one who makes key family decisions. Obviously as our kids get older, they should be making some decisions too. No one likes to feel controlled, but key decisions and my job is to validate my kid’s experience. This is actually complicated because again, over and over, we think that validating my kid’s experience means they’re going to dictate a decision. So I think that those boundaries don’t dictate my kid’s feelings and my kid’s feelings should not dictate my boundaries. They’re just two equal things. (Time 0:37:52)
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Kids feelings shouldn’t dictate decisions Summary: Allowing kids’ feelings to dictate decisions can hinder their ability to learn important life lessons about overcoming challenges and dealing with disappointments. It is essential not to reinforce the idea that others should bend to their wishes to avoid discomfort, as this may lead to unrealistic expectations in adulthood. Transcript: Speaker 1 What we often do is we leave ourselves with two choices with kids. We either say, fine, stay home. Their feelings actually just dictated the decision. That’s not helpful for them. I don’t want my kid to learn in life. When I don’t want to do something, people twist and turn to make that thing not happen. Like, that’s disturbing for adulthood expectations. (Time 0:40:04)
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Understanding Trauma and Its Impact on the Brain Summary: Trauma refers to events or circumstances that alter the brain and nervous system, leading to maladaptive responses. These traumas can be categorized as micro traumas, known as ‘small T’, or macro traumas, referred to as ‘big T,’ which can be a single significant event or a series of events.
Transcript: Speaker 2 Trauma and event or set of circumstances that fundamentally changed the way that the brain and nervous system works so that there’s a maladaptive response going forward. It’s not every bad thing that happens. But there are micro trauma sometimes called small T more macro traumas, big T again, could be multi event or single event. (Time 0:52:28)
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The Impact of the Divine Rule on Child Development Summary: Living in a world ruled by God, even as a sinner, is preferable for child development compared to living in a world ruled by the devil. The presence of divine rule influences various aspects of child development, shaping their beliefs, values, and behaviors. Transcript: Speaker 1 It is better to be a sinner in a world ruled by God than to live in a world ruled by the devil. I think it explains almost everything about child development right there. (Time 0:54:38)
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Self-affirming Mantras for Parenting Summary: Using self-affirming mantras like ‘I’m a good parent having a hard time’ can help separate actions from identity, providing a sense of repair and self-compassion. Repeating such mantras can induce a shift in one’s feelings and help in managing difficult parenting moments with greater understanding and empathy. Transcript: Speaker 1 A realistic repair. You have to do something for yourself. And like to me, it can be a very simple mantra. Like to me, I’m a good parent who is having a hard time is the one I use, honestly, over and over just and after I yell at my kid before I go to the bathroom sometimes and I’ll say that to myself, Becky, like I’m a good parent having a hard time. And I’ll kind of say it as many times as I need until I really do feel something like shift a little in my body. Just because again, I think that phrase separates what I did from who I am. (Time 1:02:09)
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Developing Disappointment and Surprise Skills in Children Summary: Children need to develop the skills to handle disappointment and surprise maturely, which is not always easy even for adults. Witnessing a seven-year-old exhibit these skills is impressive and shows the progress in their emotional development. Transcript: Speaker 1 It takes a pretty well developed skill to be really disappointed, by the way, and surprised right in the moment and like manage it in like a mature way. I’m sure we both know adults who aren’t really people doing that. Right. So the fact that my seven year old is doing that. (Time 1:08:24)
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Understanding deeply feeling kids and their intense tantrums Summary: There is a distinct group of children known as deeply feeling kids who experience emotions more intensely, leading to severe tantrums. These children may exhibit animalistic behavior such as scratching, hitting, or growling during tantrums. Tantrums are a result of overwhelming feelings that are being released uncontrollably, often manifesting through physical actions. Transcript: Speaker 1 There are kind of especially these groups of kids, I call them deeply feeling kids that do feel things more intensely. And they do have more of these big, massive tantrums. They even look animalistic often during they try to scratch you. They’ll history them, they’ll growl. Yes, really. Yes. There was a, I grew up with some biders. Yeah. Kids that bite. Yes, that’s because, again, those are just feelings, literally, uncontained that are exploding out and where do they explode out through your extremities? (Time 1:15:24)
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Intense Love and Vulnerability in Children Summary: Children possess heightened sensory abilities and attentiveness to detail. Their intense love is intertwined with vulnerability that is closely connected to their sense of shame, leading to explosive emotional reactions. Children may perceive their own feelings as threatening, causing them to experience a profound fear of abandonment or being overwhelming to others. Transcript: Speaker 1 Like they are super sensors in that way, right? And she notices the little detail of something. Now, in terms of the intense love, I think for these kids, their vulnerability sits so close to their shame. This is why they get so explosive. They almost experience their feelings as attackers, which is again why parents can get scared of them and they do because again, they feel that feeling so intensely that they have this Deep fear of abandonment, of being too much. (Time 1:23:22)
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When deeply feeling kids push you away that’s when they need you most Summary: Kids tend to push away their parents when they are deeply in need of them. This behavior is commonly seen in children who require support but find it challenging to express their emotions directly. Transcript: Speaker 1 I think one of the things you know, you have one of these kids. Is if you know the moments when you’re a parent, where your kid like needs you, like there and in those moments, your kids push you away. They push you away when they need you the most. If that’s like, I think a really common quality for the for those kids. (Time 1:25:59)
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Sensory overload is influencing the deeply feeling kids group Summary: The modern world inundates children with sensory overload which can overwhelm their sensitive nature, leading to an increasing number of deeply feeling kids. Transcript: Speaker 1 The world we bring up kids in the sensory overload. If you’re kind of that much more porous, that’s going to overload your system. And, you know, it’s the and I think that I think that’s also why more and more kids are. (Time 1:28:11)
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Kids need to Processing Experiences with an adult Summary: Children require the presence of a trusted adult to help them navigate and make sense of their experiences instead of dealing with them on their own. Transcript: Speaker 1 What my kid needs going back is they need to process that experience with an adult they feel safe with rather than being aloneness. (Time 1:35:34)
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Challenges of Raising Kids in an Instant Gratification Society Summary: Parents today have a lower tolerance for their kids’ tantrums due to the convenience in their lives and the instant gratification culture. Children are exposed to more gratification than ever before, shaping their expectations and what feels good. The fear lies in this altered circuitry of expectations in children. It is crucial to introduce frustration into children’s lives early on in order to build their tolerance levels. Transcript: Speaker 1 Our tolerance of our kids tantrums is at an all time low because we’re like, hey, my life is like pretty easy in a lot of ways. This is like a massive inconvenience. So kids have more gratification than ever. We have lower tolerances for frustration. Everyone does, which means the way we interact with kids over and over and over. Plus just the natural things they’re exposed to or not like Netflix versus Blockbuster just means like their circuitry around expectations and what feels good. Like to me, that’s what really scares me. It does. And like figuring out how to tolerate or even insert like insert frustration into your kid’s life as early as possible to me is like is critical importance. (Time 1:43:05)
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Embrace Limbic Friction for Growth Summary: Neuromodulators like epinephrine and adrenaline signal the nervous system to change. Engaging in activities one dislikes activates the enter mid-singulate cortex in the brain, leading to success in various endeavors. This brain structure is plastic and can be strengthened through challenging experiences, which serve as a gateway to learning and personal growth. Transcript: Speaker 2 Yeah, I’m doing my best to get the word out into the world. The only reason the brain changes at all is if there is these neuromodulators like epinephrine adrenaline in the body and brain, because that’s what signals that the nervous system Needs to change. If something can be accomplished, there’s no reason for the nervous system to change. By definition, there’s also, I don’t want to spin off into a neuroscience of resilience and willpower lesson here, but there’s some amazing literature that shows that there’s this Area of the brain that enter mid-singulate cortex, which is activated when people do things they don’t want to do. And it generalizes to other things, but this is not the I love to work out. So I’m going to work out. This is the I hate to work out and I do it anyway. And it translates to success in academic endeavors, success in all sorts of environments. And so I think the beauty of it is that this brain structure is highly plastic and can be built up through one thing and that translates to others. So doing hard things, experiencing what I call limbic friction, just as a gateway to learning, just understanding that it always feels hard. That’s what learning is. (Time 1:49:29)
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Setting Boundaries and Validating Feelings in Parenting and Self-Relationship Summary: Parenting involves imparting boundaries, empathy, and validation, concepts that are also applicable to relationships with oneself. It is crucial to set boundaries and validate one’s feelings, acknowledging that emotions make sense and deserve understanding. Visualizing feelings as passengers in a car, with oneself as the driver, illustrates the importance of not letting emotions take over the driver’s seat for a smoother emotional journey. Transcript: Speaker 2 Earlier, you described the job of parenting as boundaries, right? You’re imparting boundaries as well as empathy and validation. I just want to remind people that you’re like very basic, but very practical. Job description for parenting is something that I think we can return to over and over again. It also makes me wonder in thinking about the generalizability of these concepts to other forms of relationship, what about the relationship to self? Right. It’s something we don’t often talk about. Yes. Relationship to self, we want to have boundaries. And we also want to be able to empathize and validate ourselves. Yeah. Speaker 1 And I think great. I don’t know. My friend didn’t invite me. I don’t know. I found shout. She had five friends for a dinner and I was like, oh, I’m so hurt. I would say to myself, I believe myself, like I’m allowed to feel that way. I think our feelings love when we tell them they make sense. I just think they’re saying magical about that phrase. It makes sense. I’m upset. I mean, my friends are all there and I wasn’t that that makes sense. And there’s a boundary because when my feeling tells me, well, I’m about to plan a dinner party for 200 people. And if I, everyone I know, but her, I feel like there’s important feeling like I’m not going to, I’m not going to let you go that far. And the image I always think about is like I’m the driver of my car and all the different feelings and urges, like they’re passengers and we can’t get them out of the car. You just can’t. They’re in your body, but you don’t want to let them take over the driver’s seat. That’s really what it is. And as long as they’re a passenger, they actually won’t cause you that many problems. They’ll be annoying. And to me, that’s like, Hey, I see you. (Time 1:53:28)
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Focus on Noticing Rather Than Praising Summary: Children internalize behavioral patterns and pick up on whether interactions are benefiting them or the adults. Instead of praising directly, using phrases like ‘I’m noticing’ helps children feel seen and not controlled. It allows for open discussions and shows a genuine interest in understanding their perspective. Transcript: Speaker 1 Yeah, I mean, I think that I think our kids do internalize kind of the patterns, right? But but I hear you there these moments. It’s almost like we want to like encapsulate it for them. Like, hey, that was the thing, right? I think kids pick up on whether our interactions were doing something for them or for us. So if it’s from a like, hey, that thing, I thought it was really helpful, right? Like it would just be like if my husband was like, hey, your presentation went well, because I like told you to do that thing and I’d be like, stop talking to me, right? But if he said to me, hey, like, what was it that led to that? It’s probably like that’s helpful to talk out, you know, I’d be much more open. So I love the phrase going back to like just real tools I’m noticing. I think actually often we want to praise our kids or tell something just saying I’m noticing is again, we want to be seen. We don’t want to feel controlled. I’m noticing does that like, hey, I’m noticing you were so worried about this test. (Time 1:56:53)
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Fostering Inquiry and Connection Summary: Encouraging genuine curiosity and connection with children by asking open-ended questions instead of making statements, helps in fostering a supportive and non-controlling environment. By pausing to notice and genuinely inquire about a child’s feelings and experiences, parents can create moments of connection and trust. Using phrases like ‘What was it that led you to feel good that day?’ and ‘I wonder if that would be helpful there’ can lead to meaningful conversations and reduce defensiveness, promoting a relationship based on connection rather than control. Transcript: Speaker 1 We don’t want to feel controlled. I’m noticing does that like, hey, I’m noticing you were so worried about this test. We kind of talked about this way of like talking to your anxiety and and then I’m just noticing you like felt really good about how it went. Like even that, I think, because that’s like the biggest thing now and our like crazy fast world we live in is just pausing to notice that’s already like encapsulating or saying to your Kid and I think like a question is only a question when you don’t know the answer, right? Like sometimes we ask that they’re just they have question marks, but it’s like a statement or criticism. So if we say to our kid, that thing I taught you was really helpful, right? Do you think that that was helpful? That’s not really a question. We already have an answer, but if I say, hey, like, I just thought it would be good for us to talk through for a second. What was it you think that led you to really feel good that day in the test? Then like, if I really don’t know what my kid could say, I think they’ll receive it. And then they might say like, oh, is that thing we talked about? Like, that’s so great to know. I’m even thinking about Spanish coming up and like, I wondered, do you think that would think I wonder is also a great phrase for parents? Wondering, I wonder if that would be helpful there. Again, they just like lower defensiveness because there’s maybe there’s like movement with wondering it doesn’t feel controlling. So yeah, I think I think there is like those are nice moments. If it comes from a place of like connection, not from control. (Time 1:57:36)
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Understanding Adolescence and Parental Expectations Summary: The transition into adolescence can lead to a significant shift in parent-child dynamics, particularly in American culture where adolescents may start rejecting strict behavioral control approaches. It is crucial for parents to understand that teens’ primary task during this phase is to establish their identity by separating from their parents. This separation can trigger a sense of loss in parents, leading to feelings of sadness and confusion. Parents should be prepared for this emotional change and avoid redirecting their feelings towards their children, instead acknowledging and normalizing these emotions. Transcript: Speaker 1 So and one of the reasons I think, at least in America, that adolescents have seen such a huge shift, like my kid is out of control. They’re always out. They’re like always rejecting me. I actually don’t think is unrelated to the behavioral control approaches that are inherent in American parenting because like you referred to your kid becomes 14 and they kind of realize Like, wait, bigger than one of my parents, like I literally don’t care about their sticker charts anymore. And we might have missed 14 years of building a relationship. And so what that kid’s adolescence is going to look like is markedly different. And if for those past 14 years, you weren’t giving in to everything. No, but you were leading in a sturdier, more connected way. So I really think this whole idea that American adolescents like reject everything, I actually think not all of it, a part of it is completely developmentally normal, but a big part Of it relates to this tradition of behavioral control that kids cannot reject until they’re at the age that they kind of could survive on their own, which is adolescence. So I think that’s really important. The things I would tell parents to really keep in mind that are critical, number one is related to that. Like a teen’s job is to separate and to start to form their own identity. And I think there’s a couple things about that parents need to know. Number one, like I don’t think we prepare parents enough for the true sense of loss they feel when their kids are adolescents, because that’s very real. Like you’ve just spent all these years and like you’ve driven them to every soccer and they kind of talked to in the backseat and maybe you have family movie nights and then all of a sudden They don’t want any of that. And it’s just so important parents to know like I’m going to feel sad. I’m going to feel lost. And if we don’t know to expect it, we often kind of infuse that into a lot of anger toward our kid. And so I just think that’s normal and we should talk about that more. (Time 2:02:39)
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Acknowledge Behavior without Condoning It Summary: Acknowledging a child’s misbehavior does not equate to accepting or condoning it. It is essential to communicate to children that their actions are not acceptable while still showing them love and understanding. By separating the behavior from the child, parents can reinforce the message that the child is inherently good despite their mistakes, helping the child to recognize their own value and fostering a connection based on empathy and support. Transcript: Speaker 1 And again, and I think what’s so critical because our brain collapses is that doesn’t mean you think their behavior is OK. And I get the fear like I would never want to send my kid the message that it’s OK to quote do certain things. Right. Like that it’s OK to just scream at your parents. Of course, it’s not OK. It’s just I think we miss like that happened. Like that happened already. If I drop my phone in a broke and I was trying to understand why broke, trying to understand that doesn’t mean it’s OK that I dropped it. It just it just dropped. It could already happen now. You know, and yeah, our kids need to know they need to know that they’re loved. And again, there’s kind of like in that message, I think, like I still see you’re a good kid under that moment. And I actually think it’s a powerful strategy for every parent to kind of conjure up a good kid image. Like what is it? Was that that last time we were playing this game and it was just so fun? Or is it a memory of my kid when they were three? And like, I don’t know, they did this really cute thing. And it kind of like really crystallizes that. And like even under, you know, this bad behavior, that kid, like that kid’s still there and the kids, the kids who behave the worst are in the deepest pain. I mean, the adults too. (Time 2:10:47)
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Maintaining Individuality in Parenthood Summary: Recognize the importance of maintaining boundaries in parent-child relationships, ensuring that the role of a caregiver does not consume your entire identity. Assert your need for personal time away from your child without seeking permission or feeling guilty. Communicate to your child the significance of your relationship with your partner and the value of nurturing it. Acknowledge that as a parent, meeting your personal needs is crucial to avoid feelings of rage and prevent being consumed by the caregiver role. Parenting requires being a sturdy leader, which involves not letting any single aspect, even the relationship with your child, dominate your identity. Transcript: Speaker 1 I think that is critically important. And it kind of goes again to boundaries, like of a parent, like my relationship with my kid is so important and I’m not going to let that take over me. Like that is not all of me. I am not only a caregiver to my to my kid, like I would stand by that all day long. Is that an important part of me and it’s still a part of me. And I think this is really important to own as a parent because again, we tend to get a like we get apologists for it or we look for our kids permission. We’ll say, look, I need to go out with dad without you. OK, like we have a relationship to like and we again, there’s that job confusion and my kid feels that. And again, it’s that kind of giving them too much power. I’ve said this to my kids a lot. So say, why do you go out with dad without me? It’s a great question. You know, first of all, dad and I were married before we had kids. Our relationship is really important to us. And we love being with you and being with you is different than just being the two of us and that really, really matters to us. And so you don’t have to be happy about it. You can you and let’s say I have a babysitter I know they’re safe with. You can cry when I leave and the babysitter will hold you and we’re going to go to dinner and we’re going to come back and I’ll see you in the morning. Yeah, I think that is so important. I actually think this in topic like this topic of like rage and parenthood is like a big topic like the way why why do I get to these moments of rage so often that my screaming is not just screaming At my kids. It’s really rageful and I think the parents often who are the most vulnerable to that are the ones where they’re not they’re not meeting like any of their non caregiving needs, which Makes sense. That a part of them is like screaming out like what about me? I used to go to dance class. I used to see friends. I used to go out with my partner and talk about things other than our kids. And so again, if I think a kids need a sturdy leader right more than anything else in sturdiness is not allowing yourself to be taken over by anyone thing, including your relationship With your kid. (Time 2:16:16)
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Empowering Others with Decision-making Summary: Empowering individuals to make their own decisions, especially when they are facing trouble, is crucial for their sense of safety and security. By believing in their words and letting them take charge, we help them navigate difficult situations without feeling overwhelmed or unsafe. It is essential to understand that their words often reflect their fears and vulnerabilities, and by empowering them, we provide the necessary support for growth and resilience in challenging moments. Transcript: Speaker 2 There’s nothing I want to probe more into that. I think you captured it beautifully and it gets back to this issue of safety, like in letting them make their own decision when they’re clearly in trouble. Like if anything could make a kid feel unsafe, a teen or younger or adult, it’s that. Speaker 1 Yes. Yes. Speaker 2 It’s like laying the passenger on the plane. Speaker 1 Be like, hey, instead of rerouting, how about you just come up here and fly? That’s exactly that’s literally what it is. And they’re like, I can’t believe you believed my little protest. Now I’m in the cockpit like this. They don’t they don’t want that. That’s why they’re words, teens words. It’s not that we don’t believe them. Like as you see, I’m being believing their words often are a representation of their fears, all of us in our worst moments. Get out. (Time 2:28:50)
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Healthy Entitlement and Boundaries Summary: Having a healthy sense of entitlement means believing that it is okay to desire and pursue what you want in life. It is about setting boundaries and allowing yourself to fulfill your own wants, rather than solely focusing on pleasing others. True entitlement is not about having material wealth but is more about avoiding the fear of frustration. Transcript: Speaker 1 But yeah, there is a healthy entitlement, right? And I think that is kind of the entitlement to like I’m allowed to want things and I’m only allowed to, I’m allowed to, it’s my life, even act on that to turn that want into a fulfillment Of my want. I think that actually goes back to what we were just saying, like versus how can I please you? Like maybe I want to do something. So I think that healthy entitlement, that’s a good thing. But when I think that when I hear parents say like, please, I just don’t want an entitled kid. They’re not talking about that, right? And they’re talking about and to me, the story from my practice is just the key thing that makes us parents cringe was this family of seeing in New York City. And they were, they were very wealthy and they had the 16 year old son and they’re flying back from Hawaii or to Hawaii. And they were just getting ready to board and first class was boarding and the son goes up and they’re like, oh, so we were not like in first class. We’ve to wait. And basically a full tantrum in the airport, like every parent’s first nightmare, literally. And they came to me after it’s being like, how did we, like, how did we get here? Right? Now this is a family in general. They flew first class. They had private play and said a lot of, you know, money, but entitlement to me doesn’t always have to be about money. I’m going to give you my definition of entitlement. I think it’s very different. But to me, the definition like boundaries is useful because it gives you a pathway of what to do. I think entitlement is the fear of frustration. Speaker 2 Beautiful. (Time 2:35:00)
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Transforming Frustration into Expectation Summary: Frustration can lead to a complex layering of emotions, such as fear and entitlement, when not allowed to be expressed and understood as a child. This can result in a deep intolerance and fear of frustration in adulthood, creating a desperate and demanding appearance due to the unaddressed emotions stored in the body. Transcript: Speaker 1 And what gets layered next to it is someone else bringing you an exit. Frustration, exit from frustration, maybe even exit to success. All right. And then I started to think like, what would it be like if there were 16 years of kind of a guy, because this doesn’t have that pattern in that circuit, reinforcing because what you’re Really learning as a kid. I’m frustrated and that’s very overwhelming for me. But like the adults around me must be scared of my frustration because they won’t let me sit in it. They won’t let me feel it. They will actually kind of run in circles to not have me feel. So I actually encode my frustration next to fear. Now I’m 16 and I’m expecting first class and I get, you know, lowly coach, you know. It’s not people are like, oh, what a spoiled kid. Like I actually, I feel like this kid was like insanely vulnerable in that moment. This kid was like, I’m frustrated and what I expect to happen and what I know to happen is in here. And so it is explosive. It appears as entitlement on the surface, but it is a deep intolerance and almost fear of frustration, which is in your body. So you’re terrified of a feeling that is living in your body and it looks demanding because it kind of is desperate. (Time 2:37:11)
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Translating Deep Thoughts into Actionable Strategies for Effective Parenting Summary: Feeling grateful for past hardships and negligent parenting experiences, there is an opportunity to improve relationships between parents and children. The focus is on translating knowledge into practical and actionable programs to enhance the parenting journey. The importance of effective parenting is highlighted due to its significant impact on the world’s future, emphasizing that it is a crucial and lifelong responsibility. Transcript: Speaker 2 I’ve been feeling both immense gratitude and relief for certain quote unquote hardships that I experienced and things that my parents made me do or ways that they were negligent and I was forced to figure things out. Also, you know, some things where I was like, huh, like, which they had done this, I think everyone listening to this will feel that way. And if you’re lucky enough to still be in the parenting child, we’re being a child process, then there’s still time. So I guess there’s always still time. In my introduction to this episode, I touched on a few of these, but tell us what you’re doing these days to help parents and kids indirectly or directly to be more effective in their relationships. And and, you know, I know you’ve written about this in books and you have a wonderful social media account on Instagram and elsewhere. I follow it and there’s so much learning there. But, you know, how are you translating this knowledge into actionable programs? Speaker 1 Yeah, that is my like, that is what gets me out of bed every morning is translating. I always say deep thoughts, actionable, practical, can do it today’s strategies. Yes. That’s the only way I can work. I’m like, tell me what to do to put that idea into action. Love it. So, you know, a couple of years ago, one of the things that really struck me was just like, I really did feel like this is so messed up. We parents have the hardest job and it’s the one that impacts the world the most. And I don’t think any of us think the world is in like a great place right now. Yeah, it’s not. Right. And this is and I remember someone coming up to me and saying parenting is also the only job you care about on your death bed. And I think that’s probably true if you have kids. (Time 2:46:34)