I’ve read a lot about parenting and have found it hard to really connect with any of the parenting constructs. Especially the old school rewards and punishment methods don’t feel right at all.
I’ve recently finally discovered a number of concepts by dr Becky Kennedy that resonate deeply with me, which I will embody and practice from now on. The concepts are quite easy to remember clear on the job we have as parents to raise kids that understand boundaries and are able to regulate their emotions.
The 2 Jobs of parenting:
- Setting boundaries: Setting clear boundaries and actively enforcing boundaries, which involves taking action when a child crosses a line instead of just asking them to stop.
- Validating emotions: confirming that what your child is feeling is real, which helps them regulate their emotions because they receive confirmation that their experiences are legitimate even if they’re difficult.
Power of Repair:
Before being able to repair with your kids, you need to repair with yourself. What helps is to distinguish your identity from the event that occurred. You can be a good parent and still have a bad event happen
A realistic repair. You have to do something for yourself. And like to me, it can be a very simple mantra. Like to me, I’m a good parent who is having a hard time is the one I use, honestly, over and over just and after I yell at my kid before I go to the bathroom sometimes and I’ll say that to myself, Becky, like I’m a good parent having a hard time. And I’ll kind of say it as many times as I need until I really do feel something like shift a little in my body. Just because again, I think that phrase separates what I did from who I am.
Bad behavior as a lack of skill to regulate emotions:
I think that’s what bad behaviors are. Feelings or urges or something without a skill to manage them or without access to the skill, maybe in that moment, either way. And then we end up punishing behavior. But the behavior was just a sign of the lack of skill. So I can’t imagine anyone thinking I could teach my kid to swim by punishing them for not swimming.
Deeply Feeling Kids:
There is a distinct group of children known as deeply feeling kids who experience emotions more intensely, leading to severe tantrums. These children may exhibit animalistic behavior such as scratching, hitting, or growling during tantrums. Tantrums are a result of overwhelming feelings that are being released uncontrollably, often manifesting through physical actions.
Gesprekken
topics
references
- Huberman - Becky Kennedy March 2024
- Podcast: Dr. Becky Kennedy — Protocols for Excellent Parenting & Improving Relationships of All Kinds
- Book: Good Inside
- The Gardener and the Carpenter